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The Cycle of Darkness

by The Perilous Mind

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MelvinTheHugger
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MelvinTheHugger It's like someone took seven or eight different cheeseburgers and took all the bits they liked and made a new cheeseburger out of them, only the cheeseburgers are classic 80's and 90's metal bands. This is genuinely the most fun album I have heard this year. 5/5, looking forward to more. Favorite track: Perilous Mind.
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    Artwork by Tony Koehl, photography by Luna Ferreira
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1.
2.
Innocent, young and untainted So blind and vulnerable A life that began to shine so bright Nothing detectable Thought I’d found all of the answers Could I have been more wrong When my world began to crumble Should have known it all along that my end was coming soon   Betrayed, abandoned, pushed away and replaced - forgotten Walking ‘round in circles into the winds of descension Playing your words through my head over and over again - hollow Did I give too much or not enough, who fucking knows   One by one they all disappeared, vanished from my life Left alone with the worsening state of my confused, angry mind Isolating myself from all that surround, zero trust Forced daily interaction - can’t pretend that I’m not lost (Solo - Joe Garcia) How could I have seen it coming if I know not what went wrong No warning signs of any kind, no omen dawned How I made it through one single day in this place I’ll never know Subliminal ridicule and torture for years I would soon undergo   (Solo - Ivan Duran) Gaping wound, a fraction remaining Of who I used to be All that I had, all that defined me No longer can be seen Overnight, the dramatic departure The light that faded away Internally evaporating Nothing can I say as I watch and bleed   The cycle of darkness had only begun to take hold of my life A pattern that started with a devastating blow that would forever change me inside There’s nothing that could have prepared me for what my life would soon become The door is open now for good, the damage has been done (Solo - Joe Garcia) Darkness will always re-manifest, taking on new forms As soon as you think it’s gone for good, the black cloud is reborn Forever I’m followed by this recurring theme, the burden un-dismissed The cycle of darkness to which I belong will never cease to exist (Solo - Ivan Duran)   Therapy was not the answer I never would have seen A diagnosis Is not what I did need So I decided I would continue on my own Knowing not All that would follow Follow I may not find closure But maybe clarity The time is now And this is where I’ll be
3.
(Solo - Joe Garcia) Living in a perpetual state of self-avoidance Leaving my life postponed Lying to myself that until I find control I don’t exist and won’t Day after day, the same promise broken To finally break away Frivolous cravings shatter new beginnings There’s no good time to change   Trapped in a lost search of a deeper satisfaction That could never be achieved Protecting myself from the future, past and present As I spiral endlessly My entire existence ruled by limitation And restriction self-imposed How many times can I rewrite the same song Before I decompose Self-sabotaging Ritual Nothing but a distraction No way to heal   All that consumes Holding onto pain All that consumes Through the avoidance of pain All that consumes Addiction will only further suppress All that consumes The emotions you neglect - all that consumes   A pale face in the mirror Lifeless eyes now full of fear Trembling hands grip the sink Blood runs slowly down the drain Sentencing Sentencing Thoughts racing through my mind The brutal truths I can’t deny Through the years of abuse, have I reached My turning point, my sentencing Sentencing Sentencing Sentencing   Acid torn Acid torn Acid torn Acid torn   (Solo - Ivan Duran) (Solo - Joe Garcia) (Solo - Ivan Duran) (Solo - Joe Garcia) (Solo - Ivan Duran) Living in a perpetual state of self-avoidance Leaving my life postponed Lying to myself that until I find control I don’t exist and won’t Every day, that same promise broken To finally break away Frivolous cravings shatter new beginnings I will never change   All that consumes Holding onto pain All that consumes Through the avoidance of pain Fuck All that consumes Addiction will only further suppress All that consumes The emotions you neglect - all that consumes
4.
Stranded out at sea Fishhook in the deep Waiting for the pull To catch the one I need Each fish that I see Represents a thought Or a theory of self Will it be the one   The life that I knew Taken away from me All clarity is gone Lost within the depths All is lost The never-ending search For truth that can’t be found When the answer swims right by Will I make the catch   Confusion Descension A loss of identity (Solo - Joe Garcia) (Solo - Ivan Duran)   Suddenly I feel a tug I’ve finally made the catch But it slips right from my hands Back into the black Hope is obsolete The truth has swam away The philosophy is lost Let’s call it a day   Confusion Descension The next lost philosophy
5.
Enter the source, the origin place Where fear and confusion are born From echoes of laughter to internal battles Behind my eyes there is war So deeply entangled within a web Of perceptions that do not exist Living within the eyes of others The bleeding will only persist   Self-diagnosing in self-isolation Although I can hardly explain Dysmorphophobia, “brain vs. body” Unable to write my own name Digging far deeper than one man should dig Opening all the wrong doors The cycle was product of thought in itself Don’t know where to go anymore   Standing at the open gate I ask myself: What did I create?   You’re not supposed to look at yourself under a microscope Your habit of overthinking exposed will create false evasion of hope Think yourself into oblivion Drowning within the symptoms of your Perilous mind (Solo - Joe Garcia) (Solo - Ivan Duran)   Blood begins to trickle from the bowels of the mind Body locking up and turning cold - shaking, weak Everything around you is becoming one big blur Heart beating heavy sending tremors through your body Can’t recognize yourself, so detached from your surroundings Falling deeper in more just as we stand here The seconds feel like minutes and I see no end in sight My whole life to this moment has always been a fight I can’t hold back now because I’m finally giving in All grip of the world lost in just one episode Looks like I’ve finally reached the end of the road Have you witnessed the collapsation of my soul   Lingering within my subconscious The question will always remain Is anything real or is it all manifestations Of my self-blame Sobering moments provide reassurance The voices that cut deep inside Yet still so unclear where it all began Can’t find the real reason why   Peering out from the abyss As I sink within my own absence You’re not supposed to look at yourself under a microscope Your habit of overthinking exposed will create false evasion of hope Think yourself into oblivion Drowning within the symptoms of your Perilous mind Perilous mind
6.
(Lead - Ivan Duran) Twisting through an endless hall of pain Behind each door, the answers won’t be found Answers to the questions haunting me The ones that keep me feeling so unsound Every time I think I’ve found the truth I’m proven to be much further from it I never was a danger to myself But I had no desire to get well   You can live everyday of your life in pain Or you can choose to get a fucking grip Of the reality from which you are falling And realize you’re the only one to blame Circumstances we create for ourselves Are not controlled by external forces So it’s up to you to regain life control Or continue on your disintegrative path   Betrayed, abandoned, pushed away, replaced The color disappearing from my face My sense of humor wearing thin Stuck on things that never could have been Warning signs were nowhere to be found No way to foresee what was to come So forever I’m consumed by knowing not Embracing the intoxicating heat Of the cold As it runs through my veins   You can live everyday of your life in pain Or you can choose to get a fucking grip Of the reality from which you are falling And realize you’re the only one to blame Circumstances we create for ourselves Are not controlled by external forces So it’s up to you to regain life control Or continue on your disintegrative path (Solo - Ivan Duran)
7.
Fist 02:18
Here we go again, the fire rising from inside My anger far too easily unleashed My mind is now engulfed and the flames are rising higher Fury feeding on me like a leech Everything around me shining light on all my flaws Fighting the endless battle against myself Looks like I have lost again so here comes the big bang Leaving ration high up on the shelf   Now that the explosion’s coming, nothing I can do But sit back and await the final fray Once I’m in this mindset there can be no turning back The looming urge that will not go away   If I don’t give in The feeling will persist Violent visions in my head I cannot resist   No time to hold back from striking Anger will not be subsiding There is only one solution Fist   (Solo - Joe Garcia) Hiding from the ones I love, afraid they will find out The truth about the bruises on my face Avoiding all the questions but there’s no way to deny What happens when I end up in that place This habit had arisen from the withering of hope For a temper far too short to try and tame Now I’ll never break away from my destructive ways Afflicted is my middle fucking name   If I don’t give in The feeling will persist Violent visions in my head I will not resist   No time to hold back from striking Anger will not be subsiding There is only one solution Fist   Blacked out, paralyzed Powerless, dazed Frozen, catatonic Sinking - fist Blacked out, paralyzed Powerless, dazed Frozen, catatonic Sinking - fist
8.
Dying Face 04:58
Lurking emotion Intellectualized Development derailed In the blink of an eye Severing the limb Of inner stability A poisonous relation With no visibility   Only know one way to be A slave to my own misery Invalidation, sheer resistance A bottled existence Endless war with my emotions Feelings cannot be controlled Will the color ever return To my dying face   Compulsive desires Fighting back the urge To escape from this cold cell A single moment to emerge My compulsion a result Of intensive suppression Won’t allow myself to feel Any real connection   Only know one way to be A slave to my own misery Invalidation, sheer resistance A bottled existence Endless war with my emotions Feelings cannot be controlled Will the color ever return To my dying face (Solo - Joe Garcia) (Solo - Ivan Duran)
9.
10.
Innocent, unwilling flesh falling into his glare Guilty obsession, curious compulsion for reasons he’s not aware A tragic soul rejected by all - acceptance will never pervade Deep inside, the sorrow resides Cold and empty - the eyes of a corrupted man Introduced as an ordinary thing at a crucial point in time Forever imprinted, the seed had taken root and so began the inner fight Innocence taken, his future obscured Growing self-hatred and there was no cure Infected Was there a cross-wiring or was it as simple as lust   No one is safe from the path of his eye as they dart around the room Locking onto everything he sees Far beyond his own control he makes his presence known And the spectacle created only draws the mocking eyes Without even knowing I was digging my own grave Trusting far too many with a secret no one could keep My identity now forced upon me, nowhere I can hide The decision I must make - should I own it or deny   Over my head, out of my hands, it was far too late The only option I have left: a full embrace   Empty Eyes - There was never a chance Of - No way he could prevent A - The bigger plan Cold Corrupted man - Innocence never was Eyes - His definition of love So - A broken intimacy Empty Eyes   All questions answered, the accusations are in place  What’s done is done, I know my words can’t be erased   Eyes - There was never a chance Of - No way he could prevent A - The bigger plan Cold Corrupted man - Innocence never was Eyes - His definition of love So - A broken intimacy Empty   Eyes - Now we have reached Of - The story’s end A - Where the cycle began Cold Corrupted man - Innocence never was Eyes - His definition of love So - A broken intimacy Empty Eyes (Lead - Joe Garcia)   Never will I understand I’ll never accept who I am Why did it have to be me What does it all even mean My life is dictated by this Shadow I cannot dismiss Wonder what life could have been Without the affliction at hand   Riding out a sick obsession Curiosity turns to passion Hidden behind the desperation A longing for human connection   I will never see the true light of day Forever trapped in the shadow of the darkest side of me (Solo - Joe Garcia) (Solo - Ivan Duran) (Solo - Ivan Duran)   Empty Eyes - There was never a chance Of - No way he could prevent A - The bigger plan Cold Corrupted man - Innocence never was Eyes - His definition of love So - A broken intimacy Empty Eyes

about

I always knew I had to tell my story and when I started writing songs, the story wrote itself.

These songs capture everything I went through as well as everything I thought and felt during what was one of the most damaging periods of my life: my high school years. I did not write this album to preach, or to educate, or to drive any sort of message out there. I did this for myself.

The recording of this album was an absolute emotional rollercoaster. It’s one thing to say that you’ll work up to recording all the parts for something like this and it’s another thing to do it. I arrived at the studio the first night of recording vocals not knowing if I had it in me to be the singer. I didn’t know until I was in there doing it and I probably had more fun tracking vocals than I did tracking any of the other shit. Doing this record was more of a learning experience than I ever could have imagined and it took every damn last bit of my focus, determination, dedication, commitment and musical ability to finish it. Even through all the stress and turmoil, watching these songs come to life was one of the most exhilarating experiences I've ever had in my life. This album nearly killed me but I would do it all over again.

- Travis Derby

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released March 11, 2022

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The Perilous Mind Laguna Niguel, California

Studio project established in 2018 by Travis Derby.

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